25.

So my birthday is on Christmas, yes you read that right, Christmas day, the 25th of December. Yep, I'm the best Christmas gift there ever was (right behind Jesus of course!). I've heard it all folks. I know the jokes about sharing a birthday with Jesus (jokes on you, he was likely born in the spring), I know what you're going to say about it being hard, complicated, difficult, double presents, jipped presents. I've heard it all.

This year I turned 25 on the 25th. My golden year, and with that I'm closing out a rollercoaster of year 24. So here are my thoughts about 24 and the single thing I'm taking with me into 25...

God is the master of all things.

The biggest thing I've felt this year is Jesus. I've leaned on that man, my father, my savior, my creator more this year than I think I ever have. This doesn't mean that I've been at church more this year, been involved in a small group or read my Bible everyday (those are all works in progress still). What it does mean though is I've spent this year in prayer, pleading, crying, reaching for Him. I've spent this year feeling spiritual warfare like I didn't know possible. I used to pray for my eyes to remain closed to spiritual warfare, that God would hide it from me as to not scare me but man when the devil wants to mess with you he'll find a way.

2017 started with a bang, the flu (and a really yucky, sticks around for three days kind of flu) is what Ryan and I had News Years Eve, out cold by 10pm to wake up in 2017. We jump back into daily routines, I start doing yoga and become obsessed in the spring, my laptop gets bubbles spilt on it by a client at work (facepalm, sigh), head home a couple of times in the summer for weddings (My dad's included, such a highlight of the year!), then tragedy hits in July when Ryan got laid off and was out of work until halloween. So money was extra tight, but don't worry, God's story isn't finished yet.

Somehow there was a glitch in the financial system at UNCO that didn’t recognize me as in-state for fall '17. I received over $4,000 directly deposited into my bank account in August. This money wasn’t ours, it actually was asked to be paid back in October since it was a mistake. God provided us this money (I’m convinced) so we could get through August, September and October without having too much financial stress over ours heads. I had some business to take care of you know, working three jobs and going to school, you know my usual Allie thing.  Ryan, on the other hand, battled some serious depression during this season, while I swam through a sea of anxiety for much of the semester hoping I wasn't missing a deadline or a meeting (I become VERY forgetful and scattered when I'm anxious/depressed; lesson learned).

In October I got a statement from school saying we owed over $5,000 to the school, over $1,000 more than I was refunded by accident. Of course I began to freak out, lash out and went into survival mode. Obviously some of the refunded money was gone at this point. So I put on my big girl pants (absolutely terrified) I went into the assistant provost of the graduate school, asked her to explain the situation, shared my story with her and how the mistake had caused so much anxiety, distress, confusion and distrust between myself and the school. To which she responded with grace and kindness, amazingly taking responsibility for her mistake and covering half of the bill that was on my account. Making the bill (still huge, but) manageable. God showed up. The same week this bill was due Ryan was offered a job and began working almost immediately. God’s timing, not ours!

Then He shows up again, this time God began working for us through my car situation. Obviously I need a car to get to and from work and school. In 2016 I embarrassingly totaled my car due to lack of sleep, made a dumb choice, bought a mini cooper and Ginny went to crap within the year. So fast forward to October 2017 the same week, not even a day after the bill for school was paid for, my car broke down on the side of the road with over $2,500 in repairs needed in order to get it running again, literally just running (not even everything that was wrong). This wasn’t going to happen, so we made the decision for me to apply for a car loan through my credit union. The loan didn’t come through in time for the test drive (I got denied because my income didn't count, thanks higher ed)... We show up super nervous because the loan hadn’t gone through to find out the car we had made an appointment to see wasn’t there. It was in the body shop getting hail damage repaired. We wouldn’t be able to buy a car that day. God provided us an extra week for a loan to come through and put a dealership in front of us that gave us a loaner car for the next 2 and a half weeks (so I don’t have to spend more money on a rental). So a month later from the original visit to the dealer, we have a new car Dez the Impreza.

God is amazing and is working hard to get me to where I need to be, not sure where that is exactly but I know he's got the road map. I haven’t felt spiritual warfare like this ever. It’s been absolutely insane, I frame all of this to say, the healing that happens where I work is nothing short of God's miracles. Sexual abuse and complex trauma are no joke and definitely out of my hands for treating. Each day I ask God to show up in me, my words, my love for the people I listen to and sit with and he has never let me down.

The material things in my life were attacked in 2017, my computer, our finances, my car. I was the unluckiest person this year (just ask Ryan), but you know what God was in all of it: teaching me how to listen to Him in the chaos, showing me where he was in the fear and doubt, holding me up and listening to me scream cry during yoga flows more times than I can count, and in all of it He was there.When I look back on 2017 and 24 I see God, his timing, his plan, HIM in all of it. It was a mess of a year for me, bouts of depression, anxiety, laughter and love. It was a year of ups and downs, great losses and even bigger wins. 2017 wasn't an easy one but it was one that left me with emotional stretch marks to which I hope I never loose. 2016 was the year of "Adulting", 2017 was the year of "Lean in". Bring it on 25, I got Jesus, what do you have?