2017- Be Intentional

Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?" - MLK

Reflecting on 2016 I found how selfish I had allowed myself to act. I become so focused on surviving, adjusting and my struggles that I forgot to ask, think or do for others. Martin Luther King, Jr. was a trailblazer for civil rights but he taught so many other lessons, of friendship, love, positivity and most importantly of hope for the future. It's fitting for MLK Day to be celebrated in January, allowing us to reevaluate how we treat each other each year while we are actively trying to change and improve. 

The new year brings about so many thoughts of change, betterment and a healthier you but where are the resolutions of how we will treat the people we love, don't know, are scared of, or don't want to be associated with? It's rare to hear of resolutions that aren't centered around self-betterment. So this year I am trying something new, something I have attempted in the past and failed. This year, 2017, I aim to put people first. 

In college I had a professor who introduced to a mantra that has stuck with me, "when passion is missing, lean on discipline". He was talking about our spiritual relationship with Jesus and our quite times but this has spread and permeated many parts of my life. This year, I hope to apply it to my friendships. Being disciplined in my relationship with Jesus is just the beginning, I hope to add discipline to my prayer life. Intentionally having conversations about our walks with Christ, asking friends how I can pray for them, intentionally setting up times to talk, catch up and spend time. 

 My last post was about how I have struggled to make friends since moving to Colorado, that struggle has not ceased but instead I have asked friends to begin praying for my patience in this time. I realized I had not relied on God to fill those voids, allowing loneliness and homesickness to creep into my thoughts and my being. The holidays I was privileged enough to be able to go to Cincinnati to be surrounded and loved on for a whole week. I spent every moment I could with as many people as I could squeeze in. Everyone thought I was crazy for booking my time so tightly but what they didn't understand was how much time I had spent alone the preceding 5 months. Quality time is so important to me and with the chance to love and be loved by so many was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. 

When you move to a new place you're faced with a dilemma.. to stay who you were or to become someone new? I wasn't sure what my decision would be when I made the choice to move to such a new place. I tried new things, met new people and honestly my heart ached for authenticity. I found myself wondering, "who am i?" more often than just enjoying the moment. I found my heart aching for an understanding of my new identities, new roles and new life. I struggle to find a balance between Christian, doctoral student, professor, yoga instructor, girlfriend, friend, and daughter. The people around you help define how other perceive you, the people you surround yourself with become part of you (their mannerism, language patterns, interests, activities and outlook on life). I found myself struggling to connect with the people around me authentically because I had lost who I was, I questioned every part of my identity. 

Last week in class a professor shared her story of immigrating to the US, transplanting everything, feeling confident in who she was, her thoughts about people, how to interact and being met with resistance that made her question her personhood, her abilities and her identities. Her story was a record breaking rollercoaster while mine is a carnival ride in comparison but the theme is the same.. with change comes doubt. 

The same professor who taught me about the relationship between passion and discipline also taught me about doubt. Doubt is not the opposite of faith, but indifference is. Again he was talking about our faith but I believe this rings true in so many other aspects as well. Doubt breeds questions, questions breed curiosity, curiosity breeds searching and searching brings about discovery. When we doubt, our faith, our identity we can turn to the one who holds us so dear and knows us by name. Our creator, comforter, father holds our world in his hands. He knows our needs, he loves us no matter how far we wander. During this time of doubt, change and frustration I am discovering I haven't relied on Him as much as I should have. Patiently waiting for me to figure out that loneliness and doubt shouldn't push us from God but towards Him. When we find, anchor and trust in our identity in Christ alone we are safe to question, fail and ultimately struggle. So here's to the beautiful mess of continuous struggle and change!

"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle." - MLK